By Desmond Homann, Variety Editor Originally published in Issue 11, Volume 33 of The University Register on April 9, 2021
It has come to my attention that, over the years, fewer and fewer people have been educated on the man that is Hiccup Brian. While some may call him nothing more than an urban legend, the number of disappearances and even deaths linked to his sightings is too high to disregard. Call me crazy, but I value my safety enough that I MUST bring this being to the public eye. I have collected some of the area’s greatest minds to discuss Hiccup Brian’s presence in our community and the communities around us.
Those interviewed include Marigold Linklater, a human resources specialist; Daniel Abrams, a paranormal investigator; and one experienced source who chose to remain anonymous.
Earnhardt: Where can we draw the line between safe hiccups and hiccups that will awaken Brian?
Marigold Linklater: Although Hiccup Brian can, in theory, be awoken by any hiccup, it is most often hiccups occurring on Tuesday evenings from 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. and hiccups occurring on alternating weekends that awake him. You may find the mnemonic “Ass-Flaps Jack Has My Flapjacks” helpful to remember this general rule, although I’m not sure how.
Daniel Abrams: The nature of hiccupping is rather odd, but a sure fire way to get the attention of Brian is to have what I call RFHD, or Rapid-fire hiccup disorder. This is not a medically-observed condition, but the telltale signs for the disease are hiccups in quick short bursts (typically 3-5 within 10 seconds) and don’t go away with typical treatments for hiccups. Another way that one can get Brian’s attention (and I know because this happened to me) is through extreme hiccups. They are the ones that kick back your head and knock the wind out of you. Only 3 are needed to get Brian’s attention and he will stay interested with you.
Anonymous: I’d never get close enough to the line to draw it. But if you gave me a 500 foot marker, I reckon I could from the window of a 2006 toyota corolla, speeding down the desert highway on a warm summer night.
Earnhardt: Have you ever personally encountered or been tracked down by Hiccup Brian?
ML: I find the phrases “personally encountered” and “being tracked down by” can have the effect of “othering” the individual being discussed. I think “Have you met Hiccup Brian?” may be the more productive language to use here, don’t you think? Imagine, for a second, you are Hiccup Brian, and you overhear someone ask “Do you have any experience dealing with Hiccup Brian?” Wouldn’t you suppose it would be difficult to feel included in that space? Or welcome? This being said, I have been hogtied and dragged through the prairie from the eldritch equivalent of a four-wheeler three times now by Hiccup Brian. Two of those times occurred on the same Tuesday evening.
DA: I have personally been tainted by hiccup Brian, and it was because of my extreme hiccups. For some reason, I started getting these hiccups about 3 years ago, but doctors have told me that it’s “just a reflex” or something. I don’t know, but on my 4th hiccup, something passed through me. The kick on that hiccup was unusually painful, and then I saw him standing in front of me as I lowered my head. He just stuck his hand through me as if he was a ghost and strummed my diaphragm as if it was a guitar string. I couldn’t breathe at all, and he whispered “now I’m with you until your last hyuck” and dissipated into the darkness...
Anon: I’m sure you can understand why I would be hesitant to share my personal iinformation while speaking about such a... fertile subject. Until a few years back my expertise was limited to what all American children learn in Hiccup Brian drills. Then I learned more than I’d ever hoped to know. Had a scare in Vegas back in ‘18. Didn’t see his face, but I could feel him approaching in my bones.
Earnhardt: Do you, like many others, have a Brian-preparedness kit? What is in it and what would you recommend to others?
ML: Okay, so you can see, now, how a “Brian-preparedness kit” may have that same alienating effect I mentioned earlier? But yes, I do keep a wheel of Brie on my immediate person at all times and would strongly recommend that others keep similar offerings handy at all times as well.
DA: I don’t carry a kit anymore, but I would recommend a good number of things. Always carry a liter of water with you to help prevent and stop hiccups. Strobe lights can help reset your brain and the neuro-pulses being sent to your diaphragm. One thing I do know that scares Brian is a licence plate for some reason. He may be afraid of cars as well but you can’t carry one of those in a kit. The rest is what helps you get rid of hiccups, such as honey or lavendar oil or eating mushroom jerky.
Anon: Personally, I carry a monster energy and a McRib (just in case). No one gets away twice; feast while you can.
Earnhardt: Hypothetical: Your friend hiccuped too loudly and you hear Brian’s gentle footsteps outside your window. Do you stay and help your friend? (How?) Or do you try to run and save yourself? (Does it work?)
ML: Oh, haha. There is no running from Hiccup Brian. His small and nimble hoof-feet will always have the advantage unless you are actively engaging in downhill skiing. And of course, skiing is not running.
DA: In the hypothetical, I would be obliged to help my friend out. Since he has already strummed my innards, he cannot affect me anymore. I would try to flash the lights alot to simulate a strobe light to prevent any other hiccups and pull out my phone and search up licence plates on my phone or computer to see if it works. I haven’t ran into Brian this past year so he may have morphed his abilities too.
Anon: Of course. The best way to prepare for Hiccup Brian is friendship. To abandon a pal is to bring his wrath on the both of you.
Earnhardt: Can we ever coexist with Brian? What would be needed for this to become a reality?
ML: I have found that through open and respectful communication to the man who orders cheese for the grocery store, anything is possible.
DA: No. Hiccup Brian is a threat to mankind. Brian’s strumming causes your diaphragm to overuse it self and it rapidly decreases the strength of the organ, eventually making it impossible to breathe. If he gets enough humans, it could possibly ingrain some sort of mutation into people’s genes concerning their diaphragms, hurting our efforts to increase human life expectancy. I am already terminal because of him, and I cannot let someone else become a victim of his.
Anon: Best way to coexist with Brian is the way we always have. Prepare the best you can and live without regrets.
Earnhardt: Final comments on Brian and his way of life?
ML: Like many of us, I think Hiccup Brian primarily wants to be understood, appreciated, and feared. Mostly feared.
DA: I have no further comments besides encouraging research and studies into Brian and the rapid diaphragm deterioration. If the government actually read my letters they would understand...
Anon: Use offer code PREPARE for 20% off your first order, and may god have mercy on your soul.
Image on top courtesy of Marshfield Clinic