By Desmond Homann, Variety Editor Originally published in Issue 5, Volume 33 of The University Register on November 6, 2020
I’m the kind of person who puts on cooking shows to go to bed. Now, I’m more of a Guy Fieri... guy. I love to watch “Triple D” and “Triple G” and keep updated on what that ball of energy and bleached tips is up to. I know the other food folks, but not quite as in-depth. It was for this reason that I got to witness Alton Brown’s big pre-election breakdown with a totally clean slate.
On November 2, known best for my birthday, but apparently also as the day before the 2020 election, chef and TV personality Alton Brown took to Twitter to share his innermost thoughts, most of which were in CAPS LOCK. This curious ordeal began with Brown threatening to “mainline Moonpies and snort cheese powder.” The threats continued, with some highlights being Spaghettio-filled Twinkies, a hose full of marshmallow fluff, and putting “23 Slim-Jims through the juicer” in the dark. To be honest, I believe that this man has nailed 2020, overall.
I’d like to say, first of all, that I appreciate this food-related nonsense. I’m a fan of odd food pairings and chaotic yelling. Additionally, I’m someone who rushes to Twitter the second a coherent thought comes into my peach pit of a brain. I am on board with any and all of these little recipes, just for the sake of goofing around. Running those Slim-Jims through the juicer is not something I would do in my free time, but if I were there, hanging out with Alton Brown, maybe I’d take just a little sip. Hey, I’m nosy! I’m the cat killed by curiosity, and I’ll eat anything! (Well, not anything. I don’t like corn very much. But y’all can put down your pitchforks and torches for a moment and let me finish what I’m going to say before you run me out of the Midwest and call me a fraud.)
In some of Brown’s tweets, he mentions that he is drinking, even going so far as to joke, “I think I blacked out. What’d I miss?” at 8 a.m. the following morning (the day of the election.) This is where I find myself walking the fine line between concern and understanding. It’s been a shitty year. We don’t need to pretend that it hasn’t been. Between the stress of an election, a pandemic, global warming, literal Nazis, and so many other things (which I shouldn’t continue to list, as I’d take up the whole page,) I can understand why people feel a need to escape. That being said, I’m uncomfy (I know, what a professional word) with someone getting blackout drunk and bragging about it. If it’s true, I hope he is able to take care of himself going forward. As I previously mentioned, I wanted to go into this article with a clean slate, and I therefore know nothing about Alton Brown as a person. He could just be goofing around like this, or he could be having a hard time coping, as many people are. It could be both. Either way, I hope that everyone is able to stay safe and healthy during this stressful time. I also hope that we can all keep our senses of humor growing. Maybe a big glass of Slim-Jim juice is what we all need right now.
Image on top courtesy of Mashed