By Christian Pfeiffer, Editor-in-Chief originally published in Issue 3, Volume 30 of the University Register on Friday, October 20, 2017.
Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): This week’s mandatory listening is “Sunday Candy” by Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment, a jazzy flute solo (store-bought or homemade, both are fine), and the sound of an Italian dropping three pennies into a toilet. It is imperative you do not let the Italian flush.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Be the cinnamon roll you wish to see in the world.
Sagittarius (Nov 22. - Dec. 21): Fall break is over, but your commitment to Sergei is not. Await further instructions at the mattress store on East 7th Street.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and more combustible than you think.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): DANCE!
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): For a good time, call 1-800-440-0680.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): Uranus is in retrograde, and while I have no idea what that means for you, Aries, I think we can both agree that it’s pretty fun to say.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): Try something new this upcoming week. Have you ever open-mouth kissed an employee of the National Football League? (Please note: always ask for permission prior to open-mouth kissing an employee of the National Football League.)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): Mercury’s position in the night sky can’t tell you to invest in AIG, but it also can’t tell you NOT to invest in AIG, and I think your prospects look pretty promising right now.
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): Using the list you compiled in the practice assignment on page 137, write a short poem about a childhood experience that you still remember vividly. Exchange your work with a classmate and underline all the words they used that spark an image in your mind’s eye. Compare your work with them afterward to get a better sense of which words are working and which aren’t.
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): They’re growing up faster than you think, and while it may never seem like the “right time” to talk to your representatives about gun control, you’ll be glad you did.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Struggling to think of some good couples costumes for Halloween? Here’s a list to help get you started! • Sexy Charles Darwin and Harriet, the Galápagos tortoise he collected in 1835. • Sexy Charles Darwin and one of his Galápagos finches. • Sexy Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle. • Sexy Charles Darwin and sexy the HMS Beagle. • The possibilities are endless!
Graphic by Christian Pfeiffer