Horoscopes for September 14, 2018

Horoscopes for September 14, 2018

By Desmond Homann, Variety Editor originally published in Issue 1, Volume 31 of The Univeristy Register on Friday,September 14, 2018

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): The nights are getting cold and the shadowy figure at the foot of your bed is getting colder. It is up to you what you do with this information, but make sure to keep him in mind. Even demonic entities need nice pajamas.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): It does get a little lonely sometimes, especially after your first 3,000 years. You’ve seen all sorts of horrendous things, but somehow you still remain optimistic. This will help you in the long run...the long, long, thousands-of-years-long run.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): Sure, you have the abilities and tools needed to crack your fingers open like crab legs, but is that smart? Actions have consequences, no matter how hungry you get.

Cancer ( Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): Stop wearing your lanyard around your neck. You look like a dork, and not in the quirky, amusing way.

Leo ( Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): I’d ask the stars to give you advice, but you already know what the fuck you need to do to get your life in order. Stop slacking! You can’t ignore your problems forever!

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Today’s horoscope is brought to you by the letter P, as in Please remember to take the beef out of the freezer to thaw out for a while before you try to cook it. If you forget, your dinner will suffer.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): You are going to be making an important purchase in the near future, though others will judge you for it. It seems unfair that others can waste money on videogames, clothes, or alcohol, but as soon as you buy one (1) porcelain clown you become “that guy.”

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): It is almost time for you to face your deepest, most secret fear. This will be a journey into the darkest pits and corners of your being, so don’t forget to bring a sweater. Stay warm out there, kid.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22. - Dec. 21): Have you called your grandma recently? Don’t forget to ask her about The Tunnels! :)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): You stunning, flawless, beautiful son of a bitch, you really did that! Good for you! Keep on doing what you’re doing, babe!

Aquarius ( Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You certainly have been making a lot of big decisions laely, haven’t you? Do you still worry about the outcomes of these choices? I’ll save you some thinking time: You’ve absolutely screwed all of those decisions up. How tragic.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Time to start cleaning! A storm is coming, and you certainly don’t want to lose anything important. This isn’t any type of storm you’ve ever heard of, but when the time comes, you’ll know what to do.