Horoscopes from September 22, 2017

Horoscopes from September 22, 2017

By Christian Pfeiffer, Editor-in-Chief originally published in Issue 1, Volume 30 of the University Register on Friday, September 22, 2017.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Never forget: it’s not your failures that define you, but rather, your weak memes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21): According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): So, like, have you tried not touching yourself as often?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Kettle corn is an inexpensive substitute for a mother’s love.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This week’s mandatory listening is “Trying to Figure It Out” by Grace Kelly, the rustle of a bonobo through the brush, and the troubled wailings of a ghost baby with black eyes. This will all make sense to you soon.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Don’t forget to let Betty know what you’re bringing to the bake sale; she doesn’t want a repeat of last Spring.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You would not bay leaf your eyes if ten million kinds of spice lit up Flavortown as I fell asleep.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Mercury’s in retrograde right now, but believe me, it’s actually pretty liberal.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): GrammarFact™! Let’s say you and your friend John are baking a cake. You’ve probably heard that if you were to tell someone else about it, it would be proper grammar to say “John and I are baking a cake.” This is true, but did you know that there are occasions in which “John and me” would be more correct? Pretend you ask your friend Nancy to join you. In this case, you could say, 100% correctly, “Would you like to bake a cake with John and me?” Why is that? The reason is that if you were to remove John from the sentence, you wouldn’t ask Nancy, “Would you like to bake a cake with I?” Whenever you’re unsure of which to use, simply pretend you’re only referring to yourself to figure out which is correct. This week’s GrammarFact™ has been brought to you courtesy of the stars.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): This week’s NSFW palindrome is “tit ass boobs sat it”

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): As you work toward your goals, remember: no pain, no gain. Or, as my uncle likes to say, “The most painful poops can also be the most satisfying.”

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Jupiter wants to know if you’d be willing to look at a spot it just found on its back. It’s not going away and he’s getting worried.

Graphic by Christian Pfeiffer