By Desmond Homann, Variety Editor Originally published in Issue 6, Volume 33 of The University Register on November 20, 2020
The fact that Google Docs’ default formatting is 11pt Arial instead of 12pt Times New Roman
You were a really smart kid, maybe even in the Gifted and Talented program or something similar. People still think you’re pretty smart, even though you can sometimes view yourself in a negative light, overwhelmed with everything and doing what you can to get by. I recommend some mint tea (or hot cocoa, my personal favorite) and a work/homework session that is totally blocked out from the world. Turn your phone on “do not disturb” and get back on track in time for the end of the semester.
When people say “I listen to everything except country music” and ignore awesome classic country like Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers
Do you organize your playlists by mood? I have a feeling you do. Do you have a bunch of short playlists or just a few giant ones? I personally have hundreds of playlists, each with five or six songs. That being said, I listen to the same little handful of artists every day and have since I was eight years old and got an MP3 player for my birthday. I think you should make a playlist of songs that make you feel like yourself, get comfortable under some blankets, and listen to those songs as many times as you want.
Saving a snack for a special occasion and someone else eating it first
Have you ever used a dog as a pillow? I haven’t because I’m secretly a little bit intimidated by dogs, but you should try it out. If you are a cat person instead, you can still try it out, but be careful not to crush their little baby bones with your big head (not an insult, it is just full of knowledge!)
Feeling weak because you can’t open a jar/bottle and have to ask for help
You might as well just go ahead and download the IMDb app onto your phone with all the time you spend saying “what do I know him from” during movies.
Having to restart your favorite song halfway through because you weren’t appreciating it enough the first time
Think back to playing outside in the summer around the age of 10 or 11. Think about the tree that you used to climb. What did it look like? Were you ever afraid of getting stuck or falling out? Did your parents tell you you shouldn’t go up so high? All of that has stuck with you and developed your current personality. Too bad it’s too cold to climb a tree now.
Accidentally leaving your house right when the mail carrier is at the front door and having to make small talk
Not everybody is out to get you and not every person you talk to online is a catfish. There is such a thing as being too cautious, though I’m glad you’re trying to be one in your friend group least likely to get kidnapped. (I know that this sounds very specific but I promise this isn’t about someone in particular, though that’s what you would think since you are that person. I promise that I am also not out to get you.)
Twitter’s new “Fleets” feature
I’ve got nothing that’ll help you, buddy. I get it. I use a lot of social media, I do use Snapchat for their stories, but I have never used that feature on Facebook or Instagram, so I doubt I will use it on Twitter either. There is no advice I have for you, and your friends could say the same. It’s not that you’re beyond help, just that your situations are always...tangled.
Heating up your food a little too much and having to shhsahshashhashaa while you eat it so it doesn’t burn the roof of your mouth (you know exactly what I mean)
This is a universal experience. You may feel alone in your struggles (even those that are not related to food) but we are all here with you. Go drink some water.
Image on top courtesy of Sierra Kellermeyer Designs