By Jon Antonsen, Variety Editor originally published in Issue 1, Volume 30 of the University Register on Friday, September 22, 2017
Hello traveller! My name is Jon, or Jubal the Mufuckin Wizard, and I am the Dungeon Master for the campaign Rise of the Shitlords. This column will act as a biweekly recount of the adventures of our locally-sourced heroes as they attempt to save the Guardian from the evil clutches of Nualia—a demon who presides over the 7th level of the Lost Coast Catacombs. Nualia, a sociopathic, chaotic-evil she-devil, wishes to unleash the World Eater unto the players’ Valeria. With the kidnapping of the unknowing Guardian Ameiko Kaijitsu, Nualia has all of the tools required to open the tomb of the Terrasque to end the world as we know it–be it earthly, godly, or demonic.
The players must make a journey after Nualia through the 7-levels of the Lost Catacombs. The product of an eccentric Drawven wizard, each level of the catacomb has a different environment, different time scale, and different civilizations to encounter along the way. They will encounter jungle and tundra, stone-aged peoples and sci-fi starships, godless societies and pious monasteries—no character class will be advantaged over another.
Our players are as diverse as the environments of the Lost Catacombs. Three Shiv Mac is a Rogue who fancies himself a connoisseur of the Law; he frequently seeks the help of town guards in determining the morality of the party’s actions and whether or not a shop-owner is violating the local bread regulations.
Then there’s Maer’n, a Half-Elven Bard; she’s a beautiful bass player who frequently acts as the level head of the group while also exploding heads with her enchanted bass guitar.
Davor is a Half-Orc Cleric who worships Sarenrae. He is rather traditional… but, also really likes his women.
Kaye is the wife of Davor. A newly inaugurated member of the group, she was previously the owner of a whorehouse. After she almost killed Davor, she found his loyalty admirable¬–thus they married.
Gerald is a Paladin of Iomedae. With a puffed chest and iron fists he takes care of problems with one blow. His moral compass is always pointed North and he sometimes becomes blind to the situation at hand–especially when confronted with the lifestyle of Leo.
Leo the Inspector is a Sorcerer of the Celestial bloodline. Introduced to the party through their elven friend Shelalu, Leo has a knack for detective work. With a swig of his flask he has solved some of the most heinous crimes known to Valeria. Despite his successes, he still feels empty. He’s lonely. Upon meeting him, Leo made it his goal to court Gerald.
Lastly, there’s Mices: an overgrown Half-elf Fighter/Sorcerer from Backyard Football for the GameBoy Advance, he joined the party on the day Ameiko went missing. Despite his low intelligence, Mices has a big heart (and muscles) and this has lead Mices to lead the group in many encounters.
The party of seven will journey through the seven levels of the Lost Catacombs to prevent the end of the world. Will they make it in time to catch Nualia before she sacrifices the Guardian for the World Eater? Tune in throughout the semeseter to find out.