By Christian Pfeiffer, Editor-in-Chief originally published in Issue 2, Volume 30 of the University Register on Friday, October 6, 2017
Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): Fun fact: a ferret will never leave you for a cabana boy half your age.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): The world’s a-changin’, and if you wanna be relevant tomorrow, you gotta be trend-setting today. Has anyone ever combined black mesh and khakis before? Asking for a friend.
Sagittarius (Nov 22. - Dec. 21): This is the time to ask out your crush. What’s that? Oh, no, this isn’t the stars’ advice; it’s just me telling you you’ve only got about two weeks left to hold hands outside with a significant other. After that, your fingers will freeze and snap off like twigs, and according to the magazines I’ve read, finger-use can be a “must-have” for many “modern relationships.”
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Just in case no one has told you today, you’re just like ya fahthah!!! Yah both good-fah-nothin’ disappointments! I knew my mothah was right, I should’ve married that Jeff Goldblum-charactah while I had the chance!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): This week’s mandatory listening is Chris Bates’s cover of “Jump Monk” from his album Good Vibes Trio, a man screaming a silent scream for ice cream, and vintage news coverage of Jimmy Hoffa’s 1964 conviction for jury tampering. Can you hear the differences between these?
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): You can’t just pretend your cat doesn’t understand what sex is.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You can’t just pretend your roommate doesn’t understand what sex is.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): This month is National Point-and-Wink-at-Your-Most-Intimidating-Professor Month for all Tauruses. Failure to comply will result in a swift and merciless paddling from your locally-elected Enforcer.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): A tree falls in the middle of the forrest, but rather than making a sound, it falls through the surrounding vegetation and earth, silently disappearing into nothingingness. You are terrified, but can’t tell anyone what you’ve just seen, or so you are told by a mysterious, cloaked traveler who approaches you from the left. Heed his advice.
Also, this is going to be a great month for you socially! You’ll be amazed out how quickly and easily you find yourself making new, vibrant friends who enjoy taking late-night nature walks, wearing mysterious cloaks, and sharing their knowledge of the Mystic Texts with undergrad statistics majors. (Mercury’s current position even suggests you may find romance somewhere in this new group of friends! Not bad, amiright?)
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): There’s a right way and a wrong way to perform cunnilingus, and the stars STRONGLY ENCOURAGE you to do some Googling tonight. They also STRONGLY SUGGEST you take some time to think about what you’ve done, afterward.
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): I seriously doubt bringing baked goods to class will improve your participation grade, but it’s never too early to begin thinking about these things.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Congratulations to local Virgo, Hannah Wahlstrom, for correctly guessing the number of jellybeans in our 2017 Ford Focus giveaway jar! Her guess of 327 jellybeans has earned her a gently-used jar of like-new jellybeans, AND a framed restraining order signed by Ford CEO, James Hackett.