By Desmond Homann, Variety Editor Originally published in Issue 8, Volume 33 of The University Register on February 26, 2021
“I correct people when they mix up ladybugs with Asian beetles because apparently that is a distinction that matters.”
You must feel really good about yourself, huh you big intellectual? Pushing everybody all over the place with your massive brain must be a whole lot of fun, yeah? Do you have to take the elevator yourself because nobody else can squeeze past your gigantic head? When I say my porch was of dead ladybugs, don’t you start acting all confused. You know exactly which bug I mean. What are you going to do? Think at me? I may not have the brain cell for today but I’ve got two fists and a fear of ladybugs. Try me.
“Yeah, a handful of dry Fruity Pebbles is a perfectly acceptable breakfast for a grown adult.”
You know what, cereal is not my thing BUT I can’t really argue with you here because breakfast isn’t really my thing either. You can be a bit of a wildcard. You’re unhinged, full of energy, or even #quirky. You may be a psychology major, an education student, or even a professor who is REALLY OVER THIS SEMESTER ALREADY. I’m rooting for you.
“When I get old you can just toss me off a cliff. I don’t want to be an old person.”
Hey! Cut that out right now. Old people are actually the coolest. Back in their day they all walked five miles just to get to school. Uphill! Barefoot! Backwards in a zig-zig pattern! You know, you sure are quick to judge old people for being different from you while you’re out here with your Ticky Tok dances and your Tweeter.com and your meemees. Guess what? Your internet “celebrity” crush doesn’t know that you exist. Sorry.
“Camels are my favorite animal.”
Wrong. Camels are freaks of nature. Nothing about them is right. I sit awake at night thinking about a YouTube video I saw in which a camel picked a man up by the head and threw him. When I go to the zoo and I pass by the camels I respectfully avert my eyes. I may not be practicing a religion, but no God or other high power would truly have wanted me to see a camel with my own two eyes. If this is your take, I fear you. You walk a dangerous line in life between being all-knowing and being absolutely batshit insane. You don’t drink coffee because you are naturally caffinated. You don’t study because you learn through osmosis. You can, will, and likely already have read my mind. If you would be so kind, you could spare my life.
“You should add me on LinkedIn.”
You are either a straight man who likes a nice clean polo shirt and can name more than 5 baseball players OR you are my dad. I will be taking no further questions at this time.
“I get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.”
Agh! You let the cold water touch your skin? Well, at least you shower. It’s the thought that counts. Wish you’d do a little more thinking, though. You’re really still viewing it as the beginning of the semester and then BAM that first test hits and suddenly you’re scrambling. Maybe this goes for professors, too. I know the semester starts taking on a life of its own after that third week. Yeah, I got that insider information. Maybe we can just figure this semester out together as a campus. Togetherness and community and whatnot?
“Sometimes, when I’m feeling especially lazy, I’ll just toss on shoes with no socks.”
Okay, okay, okay. You did NOT hear this from me but I have definitely done this before. Same energy as wearing a hat on a bad hair day. If you can pull it off without getting sweaty or getting blisters, more power to you. You are the kind of person who constantly brags about “going with the flow” but the truth is that you have totally forgotten what the flow is and are now grasping at the edges of any sort of routine or stability in life. It can be little things; I’m not implying that your whole life is a mess, just that getting too comfortable and getting stagnant can sometimes look the same and then next thing you know, you’re sitting in an emotional swamp, smacking away mosquitos. Good luck.
Image on top courtesy of IStock